They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
