If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize