I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
