Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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