so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
