I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
