I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize