So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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