I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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