I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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