I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The air taste purple.
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