You just made me feel so damn special
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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