ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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