My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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