Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
