I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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