you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
