Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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