Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
