I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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