At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
