You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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