I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
