i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
