So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i believe in u and ur pee
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
