I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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