she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
