My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
