i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
