I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
