I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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