On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
