i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
