just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
