Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
