Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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