Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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