I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
