Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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