well you can't waste a boner
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
