i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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