When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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