im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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