If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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