She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
