Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize