I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
