I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
