I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
