Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My feet surprised me
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