a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
