I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
