I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
