Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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