Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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